All I want for Christmas

For the past couple of years, I've had a bit of a hard time around the holidays.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is about the Christmas season that does it to me but somehow I always end up feeling a little lonely around this time of year.  Maybe it's the movies, could be the commercials, either way, so much about the holidays seems to center around finding love or stumbling upon whatever it is that you didn't seem to have before.  I think that's the root of the melancholy I find myself experiencing during Christmas: how come I haven't found what I'm missing?  The more I think about it, however, that's not what Christmas is about at all.  I'll save the Charlie Brown Christmas speech this time but I'm starting to realize that the heart of Christmas is not about finding love lost or discovering that thing you've been missing, it's about rejoicing in all of the blessings that surround you right this very moment.

I've spent so much of this year thinking that if I had that one thing all of the other aspects of my life would fall perfectly into place.  I find myself on the brink of the new year with a change in attitude.  Sometimes what you hope for isn't all it's cracked up to be and unfortunately, that can be a bit of a disappointment.  Nevertheless, I'm starting to see that it's not the end of the world if things go "wrong" every once in a while.  When I stop and take a minute to count my blessings, I am astounded by all that God has given me, not only this holiday season, but every single day.  I have a loving family that, although dysfunctional, supports me in all that I do.  I have a small, yet solid, group of friends that I can count on no matter what.  I have the opportunity to study at one of the most prestigious universities in the country and every day learn a little bit more about the subjects I love the most.  I have a job that allows me to spend time with children that remind me what true caring is.  I have essentials that many others around the world don't: a home, a bed, a stable income, access to affordable healthcare.  Most of all, I have a God that is Himself the very meaning of Love, who knew me far before I was even born (Jeremiah 1:5).  When I reflect on the goings-on of my life in that light, I find that there is nothing I am lacking and that realization gives my heart more joy than any material gift ever could.

I have big plans for the New Year but I know that I can rely on God to be my companion through every situation I face.  In some ways, it's been a tough year, but no one ever said this journey would be easy.  In fact, "[b]ecause he himself was tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested" (Hebrews 2:18).  With this idea in mind, I see now that my challenges are as much of a blessing as the gifts that I openly recognize.

The kind of love that some Christmas stories relate is nice and all but it doesn't measure up in the slightest to the kind of love that surrounds me everyday!

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.'  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

(Luke 2: 8-14)

bend/break

"If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna."

(Matthew 5:29-30)

Sometimes, however difficult it may seem, God asks us to revise not only our way of thinking, but our way of living.  I never seem to do too well with this request when it comes my way.  I don't like change--not at all.  It's difficult, it's uncomfortable, it's frightening.  However, the more I think about it, sometimes change is necessary.  Currently, I find myself at a crossroads: I have the choice to move forward with my life or to attempt to salvage the remains of something that might be better left in the past.  I've never been good with this sort of decision, chiefly because when it comes to matters such as this, I often lack trust in God and his ability to heal all wounds over time.  I think I know best and for this reason, I sometimes choose to pursue avenues that in reality, I'm not at all fit for.  When I stumble, I wonder why. I think sometimes I try to cram things into my life that don't exactly have a place there.  However, much like anything else--a pair of jeans, a book on a shelf, a container into a cupboard--if something doesn't fit, it often doesn't end well when you try to force it.

In the First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians, he writes: "When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.  At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face.  At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known" (1 Corinthians 13:11-12).  When we consider the idea of change in the context of this passage, it becomes quite clear that change itself isn't a bad thing, it's natural and often times, necessary.  As time progresses, we put aside habits and attributes that don't seem to fit our new way of life or that merely serve to cloud our vision.  The idea here is that with time, the partial will pass away, making possible a clear understanding of the reality at hand.  St. Paul's example of discarding one's childish ways makes the process of change seem easy--I think that's my main stumbling block with this passage.  Although growing up is a process with its own challenges, change itself requires careful and critical evaluation and of course, effort.  What should stay the way it is?  What needs to be different?  What will happen if I leave behind what I'm used to in order to pursue something else?  Will my current situation improve, stay the same, or worsen?  I struggle with these questions simply because they rely too much on the hypothetical.  I won't know the end result until I jump head-first into a decision.

St. Paul reminds us in his first letter to the Corinthians that bad company has the potential to corrupt good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).  Similarly, the above passage from the Gospel according to St. Matthew, although shocking at first, describes the measures that might need to be taken in the event of such corruption.  Here we see that some parts of our identity, of who we are, are much more painful to cast off than others.  These attributes, however violent their extraction might be, necessitate removal.  Much like a cancerous tumor, if left behind these "members" cause us to stumble and falter.  In my experience, identifying the destructive forces in my own life is not at all an easy process--in fact, more often than that, it's incredibly challenging.  Unfortunately, the entities that cause us to stray can be the very things we love the most and I'm beginning to realize that several aspects of my life are in dire need of revision, some even removal.  Truthfully, I'm finding it a harsh reality to face but a necessary one.

To be frank, I have no clue what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I'm sure not many twenty-year-old's do but I've never been this uncertain before.  I feel as if I can't count on the permanence of anything or anyone, for that matter.  I have my passions, of course, and things I know I want to pursue but everything else is so gray and blurred. To be perfectly honest, I'm scared as hell to face a future so unclear.  I find myself crashing into the same brick wall for the same reasons and maybe it's time to sever the parts of myself and of my life that cause me to run into nothing but the same dead ends.  Sure, it's going to hurt--much more than I'm prepared to deal with, I'd bet--but maybe it's what I need to do.  Once and for all.

I don't know how to proceed but thankfully, I have the distraction of exams which I hope will give me the time I need to discern the direction I should be heading.  I have so much that I need to improve upon and change but in this time of instability, I need to, above all, be brave and trust that God will provide.

Aprendizaje

Although I can hardly believe it, it's December.  The last week of classes went by in a flash and here I am, in the midst of Dead Week with final exams in the coming week.  It's incredible how fast the semester has gone by!  Finals week seems to be a bit of a mixed barrel.  Thankfully, I only have three sit-down finals, spread out through the week, although lucky me, has a final in the very last slot of the week: Friday, December 16, 7-10PM.  I won't be able to come home as early as I would have liked but I'm excited to come home tomorrow for a few days to study and re-charge a bit.  Although this time is certainly stressful, I'm not too overwhelmed simply because I know all of the hard work is almost over (at least for a few weeks).  I'm much happier than I was a few weeks ago, ready to just get through my exams and go home for a while.  My family and I will be making our yearly trip to Disneyland the week after I'm done with finals so I'm looking forward to the vacation.  Every year is different but I hope this trip turns out okay.  My dad has been pointing out how this may be one of our last trips just because my brother and I are getting older and we don't know exactly where I'll end up in the next year or two.  It's strange to think about but true... I'm looking into an internship abroad this summer in Madrid and a few grad schools on the East Coast so we'll see what happens with all of that.  I'm actually seriously considering Yale for graduate school.  I'm skeptical about my chances of getting in but they have an impressive Spanish program and if it's meant to be, it'll happen.  So much of my future is unclear at the moment but it's in God's hands and all I can do is try my best!  Any and all prayers are welcome.

I took a detour this afternoon on my route home from work and spent some time alone in the chapel of my church here.  It's been difficult for me to see Jesus in the everyday so I needed to put myself in a sacred space where I could look up and see His face on the cross.  Even in my fear, I know He's watching over me and gently nudging me in the direction I need to go.  Sometimes I wish He would give me more of a shove but His sense of timing is exponentially better than mine--I'm sure of it.

My walk home continued with some meditation on all that I have to be thankful for.  I have a wonderful family, a small, yet extremely close and faithful, group of friends (some of which might as well be family for as much as they mean to me)... I'm a student at one of the best universities in the nation studying the subjects I love more than anything... I have a job that I love.  So much, really.  I think I need to spend more time letting those that I love know just how much they truly mean to me.  I don't think I say it nearly enough--maybe I should start.

Homecoming

It came and went much too fast but I made it back to Berkeley after a very much-needed Thanksgiving holiday.  On Wednesday morning, I made it to the Amtrak station, caramel brulée latte in hand, for my long-awaited trip home.  Usually my mom is able to pick me up and drive me back to Woodland (a blessing I am extremely grateful for!) but this time I opted for a train ride to Davis.  If it weren't for the $20-something ticket price, I would probably take Amtrak home more often.  It really is a wonderful way to travel, at least from my experience.  Looking out the window, one can see a great expanse of both city and land, opening up an entirely new view of the surroundings I typically just notice in passing.  It was a very soothing trip--I spent most of the hour or so just looking out the window and listening to music.  I'm extremely thankful for the change of pace I was able to experience on the ride home.

Back home, I split my time between paper-writing and visiting with friends and family.  Wednesday afternoon, I was able to catch up with both Pablo and Miss Chung over a cup of coffee.  Lucky me, Jason also happened to be in there so he joined in for a while.  Thursday afternoon, my family and I drove to Davis to spend Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family.  I never used to care for Thanksgiving, seeing as my brother and I were always the youngest and never seemed to be able to find much to do or many family members to socialize with.  Now that I'm in my 20s, it seems I'm a little closer in age to the rest of the family so that it's easier to interact with those I wasn't necessarily close to before.  It's really nice to feel so loved and to have some of my cousins, among others, so interested in what I have to share with them.  I spent the majority of Friday at Starbucks, going back through texts and creating a prospectus so that eventually I could start the paper with ease.  Saturday morning, I went to Natomas with Miss Chung and came home with nail polish, a few new clothing items and some supplies for a few DIY Christmas gifts I plan to make.  The rest of the weekend has been spent paper-writing and of course, journeying back to Berkeley for the last week of classes.  I can proudly say I'm on the eighth page out of ten of my paper--I should be able to finish before the night is over.

On a side note, today is the First Sunday of Advent, along with the implementation of the new Roman missal.  It's a time of preparation for the Church and of course for me, as I try to once again center myself and think more deeply about the way in which I live out my faith.  Today's Gospel reading from Mark left a lasting impression this morning, reminding me of the necessity to stay alert and remain watchful, for I "do not know when the time will come" (see Mark 13:33-37).  It's a warning I feel I need to hear as I think I've grown a bit slack lately for a variety of reasons.

Thankfully, the semester is in its last weeks and soon I will get a break from the hustle and bustle of school.  I recognize things could always be worse and I'm certainly quite grateful that they're not.  I guess I just need to focus on the bigger picture!

Blessings to all this week.

Running

My mom signed us up for the 24th Annual Davis Turkey Trot and I'm very pleased to say that I managed to survive my first 5K race in over a year.  I'm definitely not the kind of girl that makes time for the gym (although sometimes I wish I had that kind of will power!) and I haven't run in months so initially I was a little apprehensive about running the race.  At the end of the day though, I'm so very glad that I did after all.  I finished the run with a time of 32:18.57, not the greatest of times, of course, but a nice surprise nonetheless for me.  There's something so therapeutic about distance running that I wish I could describe.  It was really wonderful to just run and not think about anything at all, just taking in the scenery, breathing deeply and enjoying the music looping through my headphones.  It was a nice break from the rest of the world and some of the worries that have been swimming around my head.  Maybe I should start going for jogs more often!

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts but I know that everything will turn out just as it is meant to... it'll just take a little faith and trust on my part.  I'm home for the weekend, trying to finish up a project for Monday, study for an exam and figure out the last of the work I need to accomplish before the Thanksgiving holiday.  God willing I can at least get a few things more things out of the way tonight and tomorrow.  Prayers and positive thoughts are very welcome in this stressful time.

When the going gets tough, the tough eat ice cream

To be perfectly honest, life isn't the greatest right now.  To be even more honest, my coping strategies for when things get rough aren't the best either.  I tend to turn into a bit of a recluse when things aren't exactly going right, devoting myself to one extreme or the other, either burying myself in work or neglecting all of my responsibilities in favor of Office marathons, retail therapy and Ben & Jerry's.  Lately, I don't have the time for the latter (although the irony here is that I'm writing a blog entry instead of working on my take-home midterm), so I've created a to-do list of all there is left to accomplish before the end of the semester.  I've found if there is one thing I can control in my life, surprisingly enough it's school.  Despite all of the recent chaos, I'm surviving my classes and completing my assignments.  This morning's Spanish class was a nice picker-upper.  I'm taking a class on advanced Spanish grammar and composition and more often than not, it has been a frustrating experience--not at all the teaching style I'm used to, readings that seem irrelevant and answers that are almost never clear.  However, upon walking into class this morning, my professor pulled me aside and said that she's been very impressed with my work, especially the lengthy grammar corrections and explanations that we've had to do, and that she would like me to e-mail her my work so that she can use it as a model for future classes.  She sent me off saying that I have a real talent for grammar.  A bit of a strange compliment but a welcome one, nonetheless.

The majority of the time I find myself in a perpetual state of self-doubt.  I question my ability to be successful and to do the right thing in a way that creates one of two outcomes.  The first is that I psyche myself out so much that I find myself unbelievably surprised when I accomplish something.  I worry and worry and worry only to find that I am fully capable of doing just fine.  The second, a much more detrimental response, is inaction.  I hesitate to the point where I do nothing which only serves to make me look like a person unwilling to put in the necessary effort.  I've come to realize that my lack of confidence does me little to no good, often it only leaves me frustrated and disappointed at my inability to make the right decision.

What I need to remain aware of is the fact that I have within me the tools to be successful.  Typing this blog entry, I can't help but be reminded of a well-known quote spoken by St. Catherine of Siena.  She said, "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire."  Isn't that an incredible image?  I have the capacity to leave a lasting impression on this world, to make something of myself and the community of which I am a part.  It just takes confidence, a knowledge of self, and most importantly, lengthy discernment of God's will for my life.  Something that has become apparent in the course of my writing through this blog is that the one thing I lack above all else is trust.  I believe that God loves me and I have faith in his existence but I often doubt his ability to lead me forward.  Well, if that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is!  So many of my problems are rooted in trust, faith and confidence.  But how does one gain confidence?  That's one question that I have yet to find a clear-cut answer to, although my gut tells me the only thing I can do is pray.

My solution to the tough stuff is not always the healthiest I admit, and with the imminent approach of even more stress (oh yes, finals are on the horizon), I need to find better ways of dealing with my struggles.  The answers are there for me, just in my grasp, but I need to seek them out and ask for them.  Not only that, I need to really believe in myself and my capacity to be successful.  I've made it this far, haven't I?

It's tough being a kid

Sometimes when I spend too much time with children, it's easy for me to forget that once upon a time I was one.  During a typical school week, I work Tuesday and Thursday afternoons at a preschool in the area.  Those kids are something else.  They often forget their manners, have little to no understanding of the concept of "personal space," make a TON of noise... they fight, they argue, they scream, they yell.  Some days it's enough to drive a person insane.  However, thinking about the ways that my three and four-year-old's act out, I realize that much of the time my attitude is not any better.  It can be difficult not to get upset when things don't go our way--after all, why shouldn't they?  When something in my life doesn't seem to be going right, more often than not my first instinct is to complain.  Why me? I wonder.  There's no good reason for this to be happening, I declare.  The danger with this thought process though is that often times when I get upset for things going the "wrong" way, what I'm really angry about is that things aren't going my way.  Therein lies the crux of the matter.

Sometimes I get incredibly frustrated with my preschoolers because some days they just can't seem to grasp the idea that you can't always get what you want.  We have a saying we like to use with them: "You get what you get and you don't get upset."  I tend to forget that this little proverb certainly has room for its application in my own life.  Although I may be struggling with school, trying to figure out what the future has in store for me and how on earth I'm going to balance family, friends, relationships, work and everything else with what my education demands of me, it does not give me the right to be self-pitying or to spend the majority of my time complaining.  Father Dan Beeman, a Catholic priest serving in the Diocese of Richmond, Virginia, recently tweeted something that really resonated with me on this topic: "Self-praise and self-pity are both a danger to the Christian life."  Now, I have to ask myself, in what ways has my self-pity prevented me from performing my duties as a Christian?  Certainly, it has often made it difficult for me to exercise sympathy and to recognize that there is always someone else suffering more than I am at any given moment.  A long-time friend of mine always tells me, "It could always be worse."  No matter how arduous the situation, this statement holds true.  Good itself is never purely absent from our lives.  In our suffering, in our sadness, there is always a silver lining, so long as we take the time and effort to number and appreciate our blessings.  God's love is always with us and often his most glorious gifts come to us in the form of challenges.

I recognize that I worry far too often, especially about things I cannot change.  In Matthew's Gospel, Jesus confronts this issue directly: "Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?"  Here, the answer is clearly no.  My worrying is not productive--if anything, it prevents me from focusing on the matters that so desperately merit my attention.  I'm not always in control and although it drives me nuts to acknowledge that, it's something that I need to be okay with, otherwise I will have an extremely difficult time finding peace in the years to come.  When things do not go my way, I have to learn to see such events as an opportunity to grow.  Self-pity and complaining more often than not are ventures that do not bring fruit, rather they distract us from the reality at hand and from the aspects of our lives that we can control and change.  I pray that with this realization I can learn to better cope with the things in my life that frustrate me and to trust that God will lead me down the proper path so long as I follow Him.

Treat yo' self!

Even though the day is almost over, happy Sunday to everyone!  It's been a gloomy weekend, full of clouds of rain, but nonetheless, a very pleasant one (even if it has been filled with reading and homework).  Kim and I were finally able to have a "treat yo' self" day of sorts on Friday night, enjoying a couple of milkshakes at a diner called The Original in downtown Berkeley.  They were delicious and a very welcome way to end another busy week of school.

We spent the majority of Saturday at the Starbucks downtown.  I've been trying desperately to catch up on reading I need to do before the last official day of classes on December 2.  I can proudly say that I'm making a dent in my workload (even if it's only a small one).  The trip home was certainly an interesting one... anyone that lives in Berkeley knows that often times public transit is the easiest way to get around town and of course, that was our preferred method of getting back home from downtown.  Our driver however must have been a little out of sorts.  He missed a stop, went too far, turned on the wrong street, just about every mishap imaginable, until one of the passengers started yelling directions to the driver from the back of the bus.  Thankfully, we made it to our stop in one piece and got home just in time to let in the AT&T tech that was to fix our Internet connection.

Today has been a relatively calm one.  I started the day with a phone call from Chuy.  I have to say that being able to hear his voice was definitely worth being woken up at 7:30AM!  Kim and I were able to attend the 9:30AM mass at Newman Hall.  My main take-away point from the service was that I need to take advantage of my "waiting time," that is, the time I have on this earth, not only before my death, but before the return of the Lord.  Just the wake-up call I needed for the motivation problem I've been running up against these last few weeks!  On the way out, I grabbed a card from the Christmas tree that had been set up in the back of the chapel.  A gift item is written on each card and these gifts will be given to families in need who may not necessarily be able to afford the luxury of Christmas gifts.  I've wanted to do something like this for a while so I'm happy to have an opportunity to do so.  Other than that, the day has been spent reading for classes.  Not necessarily an enjoyable pastime but certainly a necessary one.  It'll be a relief to be done with the semester!  How many days until Christmas break?

We are all a little weird

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

- Dr. Seuss