all will be well

Señor, me has mirado a los ojos,

sonriendo has dicho mi nombre.

En la arena he dejado mi barca:

junto a Ti buscaré otro mar.

(Pescador de Hombres)

I've been meaning to update for a while but haven't had the chance.  With the spring semester starting, things have managed to get very busy very fast but I can't complain!  It was an interesting start to say the least but I'm incredibly happy to say that I'm making some big changes in my life and that I'm more excited than I can adequately express about what's in store for me in the future.

My classes this semester are absolutely wonderful, let me tell you.  We just completed our first full week of classes and I am incredibly pleased with my course selections this spring.  Typically, since I'm a double major in English and Spanish Language/Literature, I balance my course load with two classes for each major.  This semester, however, I'm taking three Spanish classes and one English seminar so the dynamic is entirely different.  My Spanish classes are amazing... I'm taking a modern Spanish literature survey course, a course on la Ciudad de México and a writing intensive literature course themed "Selva, fronteras y dioses antiguos."  My instructors are fantastic and clearly very enthusiastic about the subjects they teach.  Although the amount of reading I have to do has certainly increased, it's been surprisingly enjoyable to explore the body of Spanish literature and I look forward to continuing my studies in the next the year and a half and well on into graduate school.

Besides that, I've continued my involvement in my pet project, El Club de Español, and my editor position in the Berkeley Fiction Review.  What's even more exciting though is that this semester, I'm facilitating my very own course through the English department!  My friend Rachel and I are offering a two-unit course devoted to the NBC Thursday lineup (The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock).  We had our first class this last Tuesday and it was so much fun!  It's so refreshing to know there are other TV enthusiasts out there just like me and that I now have a forum in which I can discuss some of my favorite shows on a regular basis.  I look forward to the talks we're going to have this semester and if all goes well, I plan to teach it again in the fall.

On a more personal level though, I've decided to step back and really evaluate some things in my life... It's been a long-time coming but it needed to be done.  I stumbled across a quote today that sums things up perfectly: "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  The truth is I've held on quite tightly to several situations and relationships that in reality are not good at all for me and have left me with more self-destructive tendencies than I care to admit.  Fortunately, all is not lost and I have the opportunity in letting go to allow the Lord, in my patience, to give me something even better than what has come and gone.  I made a much over-due trip to Confession this weekend and I'm beginning to see that I have so much control over the progression of my life and my own happiness.  A good friend of mine recently told me, "Even if it hurts, people come into our lives for one reason or another.  We touch the lives of each other and then we learn the hard lessons with people that are not so nice to us."  I've spent enough time letting myself be held back by one thing or another and I look forward to seeing how God's plan unfolds for me.  In the meantime, I'm enjoying my time here at Berkeley, my classes, my friends, and the time I'm able to spend with my family at home when school permits.

A lovely hymn from Mass this morning ties things together quite nicely: 

"All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well!"

Codfish Creek Falls

This past week, my friend Wil and I drove up to Codfish Creek Falls to explore and hike the trail there.  I haven't gone hiking since I worked up at Camp Pendola as a camp counselor two summers ago so it was nice to get back out there.  The pictures above are only a glimpse of the scenery but the beauty of the area is astounding.  It's such an incredibly different environment from the city life that I'm used to during the majority of the year.  Needless to say, it was a relaxing experience and I made sure to take a few moments in prayer to thank God for the opportunity for some peace.

I head back to Berkeley tomorrow to start another semester of school.  Frankly, I'm in denial--I'm not entirely thrilled about going back and I'm a bit nervous about my workload this semester.  At the same time though, once I transition back to life at school, it will be nice to get into a routine again.  In the meantime, prayers are much needed and certainly much appreciated.

Affirmation

I don't think I ever put much stake in the idea until now, but they say, when you say something often enough, it starts to ring true, at least in your own mind.  Truth be told, I'm an incredibly stubborn person--it's not at all my best quality, of course, but it's something I have to admit about myself.  Unfortunately, the downside to such a characteristic is that not only can it affect my interactions with others but in a lot of ways, it also has an impact on how I view myself and my own life.  I have nasty habit of convincing myself that something is right for me and sticking to that initial judgment, thus accepting something that in actuality might not be the proper fit and/or rejecting something much better suited for me.  I've touched on this problem in earlier entries and I realize that it's a bigger deal than I previously thought, especially when it causes me to compromise my own happiness.  It's one thing to ride through the tough parts of life and accept challenges because they are an unavoidable growing exercise but it's quite another to subject yourself to unnecessary hardship with the hope that things will eventually work themselves out.

I have to be completely honest with myself and own up to the fact that in the last two years or so, on more than one occasion, I have compromised a lot of who I am, what I value and what I know is right.  I look back on some of my decisions and to be frank, I am ashamed, not only because I did something wrong, knowing full well that it wasn't an intelligent choice, but because in the end, that decision blew up in my face and left me in a worse position than I was at the start.  What's worse is that a lot of the mistakes I have made in the last year especially have been because I wanted to please another person and I think that's what puts up the biggest red flag and bothers me the most.

Typically, I am not a people person and often times, if someone doesn't treat me well, I write them off as unimportant and cut my losses.  However, returning to the issue of these plans I tend to make for myself, if a person is part of what I've already mapped out for the future, I take a lot more abuse, so to speak, than I would have endured otherwise.  I try to take meaning from these disappointments and I have on several occasions, quite irrationally, of course, imagined myself as a martyr figure, taking these sufferings on with the hope that there will be some pay-off at the end for being so patient.  The problem with such behavior though is that there have been times that I've wanted others to change so badly that I have neglected the parts of my life that I can change.  I forget that I can't change them but I can change myself--I can control my own actions and ultimately, my own happiness.

None of this is to say that now that I've come to this realization I can enjoy my very own pity party and lament all of the mistakes and missed opportunities I've had over the years, rather I see it as a chance to rejoice.  I look at where I am and yes, some things are not at all what I expected, but I've been incredibly blessed and I know I have a bright future ahead of me.  I've spent a lot of time very upset about all that I feel I have lost and for the most part, such grieving has not been at all productive.  I deserve to be happy and I have to be honest with myself for once and admit that for much of the last two years, I have not been truly happy with my life (even if I've tried to convince myself that I was).  When I face that reality, even if it is a bit harsh, I realize that a joy much greater awaits me. I feel uplifted and capable of success, calm and ready to glorify God through the talents He has given me.  I've punished myself enough with pining and other self-destructive tendencies--now I need to move forward to accomplish greater feats.

This week, my family gave up one of our dogs after seeing how badly he injured one of our other dogs.  None of us wanted to do it and of course, it was painful, seeing as we have had him for at least ten years, but witnessing the healing process our other dog is now undertaking, that pain is less severe.  I see in this incident, although small in scale, a similar opportunity for my own healing and my own future.  It hurts more than I care to admit to remove the aspects of my life that have proven to be unhealthy, but when I take a deep breath and envision the path now opened up to me, I feel so relieved.

I am a child of God, beautiful and strong, created in His image with the capability of accomplishing some wonderful things in my life.  The more I tell myself that and accept its truth, the more clearly I can see how bright the future is that awaits me.  I don't know what that future entails, where it will take me or what exactly I'll do, but I know that God is good and He will provide for me, no matter what.  It feels incredible to be in a place where I can say that, even if it's been a bit of a challenge to arrive there, but I'm here and all that remains is to go forward.

So this is the new year

Call me a party pooper if you'd like but I've always regarded New Years with an attitude of indifference.  Of course it's exciting to think of the promise of a new beginning, a blank state, the chance to do things a bit differently this year, however I never know what to do.  New Years' resolutions are a tricky thing.  Typically, I don't like to make them, simply because I tend to drop them by February and beat myself up for it up until at least March, but maybe the way I make resolutions is the problem.  It's actually quite difficult to just say, "You know what, this year I'm (not) going to do this."  Sounds great in theory, yes, but in practice, whatever thing I've resolved to do differently in the New Year always seems to fall flat.  I decided this year though that instead of just picking something and running with it (or as in recent years, not resolving to do anything at all), I'm going to make a set of goals for the year 2012.  Practical, beneficial and in many cases, much-needed, here are a few goals that are reasonable, do-able and guaranteed to better my life and me as a person:

1.  Worry less about the future.

Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am the world's biggest worrywart.  Everyone worries but I tend to make things a much bigger deal than they need to be simply because I let a situation give me anxiety.  2012 is a chance for me to calm down, take a deep breath, and work through the challenges I face one thing at a time.  I have a verse from Matthew 6 taped to my laptop that says, "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself."  I think that'll be my new motto.

2.  Start saving money.

I'm a college student so naturally, money can be tight.  Thankfully, I have a steady job that allows me to work a few days a week and the sunny State of California has awarded me Cal Grant funds the last few years that have helped out more than I can say.  That said, there are a handful of things that I spend on that with time add up (ahem, coffee and food).  This year, I vow to be a little more cautious with my spending and cut corners when I can.

3.  Spend less time on Facebook.

Facebook is great for connecting with friends but occasionally I find myself doing a little too much Facebook stalking and spending substantial amounts of time scrolling down my newsfeed (hey, don't act like you never do it!).  Last year, I gave up Facebook for Lent and I can't even begin to explain how much more at peace I was without it.  I'm not planning on giving up Facebook entirely but I'm sure it wouldn't be a bad thing to cut back on my daily usage.

4.  Get back into running.

I can't pretend that I was ever an avid runner but for a few years in high school, I ran long-distance.  My times were never anything too brag about (to be frank, I was one of the slowest runners on the team) but distance running not only kept me in shape but was a great stress reliever.  This past November, I ran a 5K race for the first time in God knows how long and it was such a refreshing experience.  This year I hope to get at least three 5K (or maybe even my first 10K!) races in before 2013 rolls around and to run on a more consistent basis.

5.  Study/work abroad.

Since high school it's been a big dream of mine to go to Spain.  Unfortunately, I've never been big on traveling (my family vacations at Disneyland...) and my only plane trips barely lasted a little over an hour but I'm hoping to change that this upcoming year.  I'm looking into summer programs at the moment and will be (God willing!) applying to a few programs in the upcoming months.  I'm torn whether to pursue an internship or to just study abroad but I'm determined this year to finally make my dream of going to Spain come true.

6.  Keep in better touch with friends and make some new ones.

I've always been more of a "few close friends" than "many acquaintances" kind of girl and I think it shows--I can count my dearest friends on my hands.  I guess that means I have no excuse for not checking in every once in a while, huh!  I have friends all over the state, even a few in different parts of the country, but I think putting in the effort to keep in touch on a more regular basis will not only help the friendships I have with these people but hey, it might be kinda fun too.

7.  Pray more.

I wasn't raised as a Christian (although both my parents were raised in Christian denominations) so the last 4-5 years have been a bit of a challenge as far as turning Christian practices, such as prayer, into habitual actions.  That said, I want to up the amount that I pray from my basic bedtime prayers to something I do throughout the day.  About a week ago, I bought myself a little notebook to write prayer intentions, that way I won't have any excuse not to pray or for forgetting anyone.  In 2012, I hope to make prayer a bigger part of my daily life and to enter into conversation with God more often.

8.  Say 'thank you' and 'I love you' more.

Another tidbit about myself: I can be pretty awful at expressing my emotions.  I never want to make anyone upset or have someone misunderstand how I feel so for quite some time now, I've opted for the easy route and coined "nothing" or "I'm fine" as my catch phrases.  Of course, I see now that's not helpful to anybody and want to work on not only expressing myself better but saying how I feel when I feel it, especially if it's something positive.  That said, in 2012, I want to say 'thank you' and 'I love you' more often to those in my life that I've been blessed with and that I appreciate dearly.

There's a lot I would like to accomplish in the upcoming year but the way I see it, everything has its place and time.  Odds are I'll stumble across what I need to if I'm headed in the right direction.  If I've learned anything this year, it's that attaining happiness, like any other goal or objective, takes effort and a great reliance in God's capacity to heal, embrace and care for His children.  Lord knows I've still got a lot of growing up to do before I figure things out but you know, I'm growing and learning.  I look forward to all the new year has to offer and I'm very excited to see what God has in store for me in the months to come!

All I want for Christmas

For the past couple of years, I've had a bit of a hard time around the holidays.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is about the Christmas season that does it to me but somehow I always end up feeling a little lonely around this time of year.  Maybe it's the movies, could be the commercials, either way, so much about the holidays seems to center around finding love or stumbling upon whatever it is that you didn't seem to have before.  I think that's the root of the melancholy I find myself experiencing during Christmas: how come I haven't found what I'm missing?  The more I think about it, however, that's not what Christmas is about at all.  I'll save the Charlie Brown Christmas speech this time but I'm starting to realize that the heart of Christmas is not about finding love lost or discovering that thing you've been missing, it's about rejoicing in all of the blessings that surround you right this very moment.

I've spent so much of this year thinking that if I had that one thing all of the other aspects of my life would fall perfectly into place.  I find myself on the brink of the new year with a change in attitude.  Sometimes what you hope for isn't all it's cracked up to be and unfortunately, that can be a bit of a disappointment.  Nevertheless, I'm starting to see that it's not the end of the world if things go "wrong" every once in a while.  When I stop and take a minute to count my blessings, I am astounded by all that God has given me, not only this holiday season, but every single day.  I have a loving family that, although dysfunctional, supports me in all that I do.  I have a small, yet solid, group of friends that I can count on no matter what.  I have the opportunity to study at one of the most prestigious universities in the country and every day learn a little bit more about the subjects I love the most.  I have a job that allows me to spend time with children that remind me what true caring is.  I have essentials that many others around the world don't: a home, a bed, a stable income, access to affordable healthcare.  Most of all, I have a God that is Himself the very meaning of Love, who knew me far before I was even born (Jeremiah 1:5).  When I reflect on the goings-on of my life in that light, I find that there is nothing I am lacking and that realization gives my heart more joy than any material gift ever could.

I have big plans for the New Year but I know that I can rely on God to be my companion through every situation I face.  In some ways, it's been a tough year, but no one ever said this journey would be easy.  In fact, "[b]ecause he himself was tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested" (Hebrews 2:18).  With this idea in mind, I see now that my challenges are as much of a blessing as the gifts that I openly recognize.

The kind of love that some Christmas stories relate is nice and all but it doesn't measure up in the slightest to the kind of love that surrounds me everyday!

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.'  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

(Luke 2: 8-14)

bend/break

"If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna."

(Matthew 5:29-30)

Sometimes, however difficult it may seem, God asks us to revise not only our way of thinking, but our way of living.  I never seem to do too well with this request when it comes my way.  I don't like change--not at all.  It's difficult, it's uncomfortable, it's frightening.  However, the more I think about it, sometimes change is necessary.  Currently, I find myself at a crossroads: I have the choice to move forward with my life or to attempt to salvage the remains of something that might be better left in the past.  I've never been good with this sort of decision, chiefly because when it comes to matters such as this, I often lack trust in God and his ability to heal all wounds over time.  I think I know best and for this reason, I sometimes choose to pursue avenues that in reality, I'm not at all fit for.  When I stumble, I wonder why. I think sometimes I try to cram things into my life that don't exactly have a place there.  However, much like anything else--a pair of jeans, a book on a shelf, a container into a cupboard--if something doesn't fit, it often doesn't end well when you try to force it.

In the First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians, he writes: "When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.  At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face.  At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known" (1 Corinthians 13:11-12).  When we consider the idea of change in the context of this passage, it becomes quite clear that change itself isn't a bad thing, it's natural and often times, necessary.  As time progresses, we put aside habits and attributes that don't seem to fit our new way of life or that merely serve to cloud our vision.  The idea here is that with time, the partial will pass away, making possible a clear understanding of the reality at hand.  St. Paul's example of discarding one's childish ways makes the process of change seem easy--I think that's my main stumbling block with this passage.  Although growing up is a process with its own challenges, change itself requires careful and critical evaluation and of course, effort.  What should stay the way it is?  What needs to be different?  What will happen if I leave behind what I'm used to in order to pursue something else?  Will my current situation improve, stay the same, or worsen?  I struggle with these questions simply because they rely too much on the hypothetical.  I won't know the end result until I jump head-first into a decision.

St. Paul reminds us in his first letter to the Corinthians that bad company has the potential to corrupt good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).  Similarly, the above passage from the Gospel according to St. Matthew, although shocking at first, describes the measures that might need to be taken in the event of such corruption.  Here we see that some parts of our identity, of who we are, are much more painful to cast off than others.  These attributes, however violent their extraction might be, necessitate removal.  Much like a cancerous tumor, if left behind these "members" cause us to stumble and falter.  In my experience, identifying the destructive forces in my own life is not at all an easy process--in fact, more often than that, it's incredibly challenging.  Unfortunately, the entities that cause us to stray can be the very things we love the most and I'm beginning to realize that several aspects of my life are in dire need of revision, some even removal.  Truthfully, I'm finding it a harsh reality to face but a necessary one.

To be frank, I have no clue what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I'm sure not many twenty-year-old's do but I've never been this uncertain before.  I feel as if I can't count on the permanence of anything or anyone, for that matter.  I have my passions, of course, and things I know I want to pursue but everything else is so gray and blurred. To be perfectly honest, I'm scared as hell to face a future so unclear.  I find myself crashing into the same brick wall for the same reasons and maybe it's time to sever the parts of myself and of my life that cause me to run into nothing but the same dead ends.  Sure, it's going to hurt--much more than I'm prepared to deal with, I'd bet--but maybe it's what I need to do.  Once and for all.

I don't know how to proceed but thankfully, I have the distraction of exams which I hope will give me the time I need to discern the direction I should be heading.  I have so much that I need to improve upon and change but in this time of instability, I need to, above all, be brave and trust that God will provide.

Aprendizaje

Although I can hardly believe it, it's December.  The last week of classes went by in a flash and here I am, in the midst of Dead Week with final exams in the coming week.  It's incredible how fast the semester has gone by!  Finals week seems to be a bit of a mixed barrel.  Thankfully, I only have three sit-down finals, spread out through the week, although lucky me, has a final in the very last slot of the week: Friday, December 16, 7-10PM.  I won't be able to come home as early as I would have liked but I'm excited to come home tomorrow for a few days to study and re-charge a bit.  Although this time is certainly stressful, I'm not too overwhelmed simply because I know all of the hard work is almost over (at least for a few weeks).  I'm much happier than I was a few weeks ago, ready to just get through my exams and go home for a while.  My family and I will be making our yearly trip to Disneyland the week after I'm done with finals so I'm looking forward to the vacation.  Every year is different but I hope this trip turns out okay.  My dad has been pointing out how this may be one of our last trips just because my brother and I are getting older and we don't know exactly where I'll end up in the next year or two.  It's strange to think about but true... I'm looking into an internship abroad this summer in Madrid and a few grad schools on the East Coast so we'll see what happens with all of that.  I'm actually seriously considering Yale for graduate school.  I'm skeptical about my chances of getting in but they have an impressive Spanish program and if it's meant to be, it'll happen.  So much of my future is unclear at the moment but it's in God's hands and all I can do is try my best!  Any and all prayers are welcome.

I took a detour this afternoon on my route home from work and spent some time alone in the chapel of my church here.  It's been difficult for me to see Jesus in the everyday so I needed to put myself in a sacred space where I could look up and see His face on the cross.  Even in my fear, I know He's watching over me and gently nudging me in the direction I need to go.  Sometimes I wish He would give me more of a shove but His sense of timing is exponentially better than mine--I'm sure of it.

My walk home continued with some meditation on all that I have to be thankful for.  I have a wonderful family, a small, yet extremely close and faithful, group of friends (some of which might as well be family for as much as they mean to me)... I'm a student at one of the best universities in the nation studying the subjects I love more than anything... I have a job that I love.  So much, really.  I think I need to spend more time letting those that I love know just how much they truly mean to me.  I don't think I say it nearly enough--maybe I should start.

Homecoming

It came and went much too fast but I made it back to Berkeley after a very much-needed Thanksgiving holiday.  On Wednesday morning, I made it to the Amtrak station, caramel brulée latte in hand, for my long-awaited trip home.  Usually my mom is able to pick me up and drive me back to Woodland (a blessing I am extremely grateful for!) but this time I opted for a train ride to Davis.  If it weren't for the $20-something ticket price, I would probably take Amtrak home more often.  It really is a wonderful way to travel, at least from my experience.  Looking out the window, one can see a great expanse of both city and land, opening up an entirely new view of the surroundings I typically just notice in passing.  It was a very soothing trip--I spent most of the hour or so just looking out the window and listening to music.  I'm extremely thankful for the change of pace I was able to experience on the ride home.

Back home, I split my time between paper-writing and visiting with friends and family.  Wednesday afternoon, I was able to catch up with both Pablo and Miss Chung over a cup of coffee.  Lucky me, Jason also happened to be in there so he joined in for a while.  Thursday afternoon, my family and I drove to Davis to spend Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family.  I never used to care for Thanksgiving, seeing as my brother and I were always the youngest and never seemed to be able to find much to do or many family members to socialize with.  Now that I'm in my 20s, it seems I'm a little closer in age to the rest of the family so that it's easier to interact with those I wasn't necessarily close to before.  It's really nice to feel so loved and to have some of my cousins, among others, so interested in what I have to share with them.  I spent the majority of Friday at Starbucks, going back through texts and creating a prospectus so that eventually I could start the paper with ease.  Saturday morning, I went to Natomas with Miss Chung and came home with nail polish, a few new clothing items and some supplies for a few DIY Christmas gifts I plan to make.  The rest of the weekend has been spent paper-writing and of course, journeying back to Berkeley for the last week of classes.  I can proudly say I'm on the eighth page out of ten of my paper--I should be able to finish before the night is over.

On a side note, today is the First Sunday of Advent, along with the implementation of the new Roman missal.  It's a time of preparation for the Church and of course for me, as I try to once again center myself and think more deeply about the way in which I live out my faith.  Today's Gospel reading from Mark left a lasting impression this morning, reminding me of the necessity to stay alert and remain watchful, for I "do not know when the time will come" (see Mark 13:33-37).  It's a warning I feel I need to hear as I think I've grown a bit slack lately for a variety of reasons.

Thankfully, the semester is in its last weeks and soon I will get a break from the hustle and bustle of school.  I recognize things could always be worse and I'm certainly quite grateful that they're not.  I guess I just need to focus on the bigger picture!

Blessings to all this week.

Running

My mom signed us up for the 24th Annual Davis Turkey Trot and I'm very pleased to say that I managed to survive my first 5K race in over a year.  I'm definitely not the kind of girl that makes time for the gym (although sometimes I wish I had that kind of will power!) and I haven't run in months so initially I was a little apprehensive about running the race.  At the end of the day though, I'm so very glad that I did after all.  I finished the run with a time of 32:18.57, not the greatest of times, of course, but a nice surprise nonetheless for me.  There's something so therapeutic about distance running that I wish I could describe.  It was really wonderful to just run and not think about anything at all, just taking in the scenery, breathing deeply and enjoying the music looping through my headphones.  It was a nice break from the rest of the world and some of the worries that have been swimming around my head.  Maybe I should start going for jogs more often!

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts but I know that everything will turn out just as it is meant to... it'll just take a little faith and trust on my part.  I'm home for the weekend, trying to finish up a project for Monday, study for an exam and figure out the last of the work I need to accomplish before the Thanksgiving holiday.  God willing I can at least get a few things more things out of the way tonight and tomorrow.  Prayers and positive thoughts are very welcome in this stressful time.